It’s taken me a long time to be okay with not having a plan. I think back to high school with my colour coated calendar and pristine life map…
Is it possible that I have regressed?
According to my plan, I should be in medical school right now… and where am I instead? I’m on my parents couch typing my thoughts into a laptop for you all to read.
“What a shame” they say.
But according to that plan, I should be swimming in $80,000 of debt from just graduating my undergraduate in the sciences. According to that plan I didn’t deserve to be happy until I had achieved something. According to that plan, it was okay to miss out on seeing other parts of the world for a better future for myself and my children. According to that plan I needed a good job to pay for all of the things I was sure I needed to show other people I was successful in my life.
So what happened?
Well I just stopped having a plan. I stopped trying to have one. I didn’t want to know how much money I was going to make in a year. I didn’t want to know the type of home that I could afford to have. I didn’t want to know where in the world I would live. I didn’t want to know what long term career I would settle into after finishing school.
I just didn’t want to know.
The only time I ever question myself is when someone else tells me I am wasting my abilities. When they remind me of how smart I am and how someone like me should be going to school… so I can get a good job and be well prepared for my future like all of the other “intelligent” people in the world.
In all honesty, even though I am quite confident in myself I still find that it turns me into a tailspin of confusion. It has happened at least a handful of times over the years.
“Like why am I happy then if I did things wrong and I’m not living up to my abilities? Why am I completely satisfied with my position in life right now if I am doing it all wrong? They are right.. why am I not in school? I was one of the smartest in my class… They must be right. Why am I wasting my time not in school?” (insert copious amounts of guilt)
And all of a sudden I’m stressed out.
In these situations I would apply to school… I would get accepted, then I would get severe anxiety leading up to the days where I would have to accept my offer. Usually by that time I had decided that it wasn’t the right decision for me and then I would feel shitty about wasting my “intelligence” again… But the next thing I would do was reject my offer and go back to living my peaceful life.
I’ve repeated this process many times since I left my second year of university in 2014.
I am not exactly sure at what point it clicked, maybe it was the last time I declined my offer to school but I know now that I have finally reached the point where I am no longer forcing myself to any specific path. I make general guidelines for myself and when they change I have no reason to feel bad about it.
Living a dynamic life is a healthy, stimulating life. When we tell other people we are going to do something, it’s frowned upon to change our mind… to be unsure.
You’re allowed to be unsure, you’re allowed to change your mind.
Don’t ever get stuck in a position where you aren’t going with what feels right because of how you think other people are going to feel about you for making that choice.
When I think of my life I am aware of the general direction that it’s going and I have small personal goals that I work towards but nothing is written in stone. I don’t have anywhere I want to be in the next 5 years.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” … Happy.
Some call it the millennial syndrome. Working towards nothing. No goals. They don’t need much money because they don’t want many things. The pursuit is happiness. Live like you’ll die tomorrow. Take good care of yourself. Promote peace and equality. Don’t work too hard, but work as hard as you have to to get where you want to go.
Does this honestly sound so bad though lol?
Not having a plan is difficult, but it’s even more difficult when you are surrounded by an audience that scolds you for not having one.
Life goes by way too fast when you’ve already wrote out the timeline for yourself and you just hop from one checkpoint to the next.
You know how when you are driving somewhere new it seems to take forever (in a good way)? Because you’ve never travelled that path before and you don’t really know what to expect. But you enjoy all of the parts leading up to your destination because its all so new? This is life without a plan. You know your direction but you have no idea what you will see along the way or if you will detour at any point.
But then we flash forward to when it’s time to go home. We travel the same path again and it seems like the blink of an eye by the time we get out to a place we are familiar with. The drive goes by faster because we know exactly what to expect. We’ve already travelled the path and it is no longer new to us.
I want my life to be a series of new destinations. Long and strung out. Exciting. Unplanned.. open for interpretation.
I don’t want to draw my destination before I’ve drawn out the road to get there. I want to draw the road as I go and create the destination upon arrival.
Life seems so much more exciting and full this way. This is the effect not having a plan will have and I challenge each and every person to try it. If not with all aspects life, with small parts that are manageable at first, like a road trip or inner-country travel.
You deserve to discover your happy. You deserve to have a satisfying life. Stop planning for tomorrow and start living for today.
Thanks for stopping in, and until next time!