Outta My Mind

After dropping out of University, moving to a couple different provinces travelling over seas in January 2016 and quitting jobs along the way to do so, I’ve gained a sort of “inner confidence” and I can’t seem to go back from it.

Today, I was signed up for a lifeguard instructor’s course, a two day weekend course that will credit me to be able to certify people to become lifeguards. I have been involved with aquatics for a long time and mostly due to personality and core work values I believe I have done quite well for myself within the industry.

Advanced leadership courses such as this do not come around very often and it makes sense to jump on the opportunities when they are available. Since this is the next logical step for me, I signed up and headed into town today fully prepared to gain another credential to advance in aquatics.

I sat in and we began the course just as planned, I participated and then it hit me, like a crashing wave. Why the hell am I doing this? Aquatics is not what you want to dig yourself deeper into right now, the opportunity to use such credentials in this area (now that I am not in Alberta) is severely lacking and this is another certification that I will be expected to upkeep. And more than anything… the feeling that swept over my body was one that I am oh so familiar with.

​The timing wasn’t right. The only reason I would choose to sit through this course was in fear. In fear… of missing out on an opportunity… in fear of losing money.

I choose not to live my life being dictated by fear. And almost without thinking, I had put my class materials away and approached my instructor and let them know that this wasn’t the right timing for me. Justifying my actions by saying that if I chose to ignore the times when these emotions swept over my body I would not even be in the province of Ontario today.
​
I left behind the course materials, got in my car and went home.

I have been acting upon my feelings and not by my thoughts for a while now. Impulsive… maybe. Children are known for this behaviour and it seems to be looked down upon the older we get. “You should know better”, “You should have thought about that more”. But in actuality, thoughts are sometimes poison. Sometimes thoughts prefer suffering and use money and guilt to keep us secured in that position when we could be freeing ourselves just as easily by making a simple choice. I envy children, children act out of soul and feelings, not polluted thoughts. I believe acting out of feeling should not be looked down upon since it’s our most truest part of being.

In the Spring of 2016 I attained a position of an Aquatics Operations Supervisor in Halifax and something told me to leave Edmonton and give it a try. It was a position in aquatics that I had been working up the ladder for. The opportunity came and I took it. I had an amazing chance to travel by car across the country and explore another beautiful Canadian province.

At the end of the day however, once the exploring was complete the reality sunk in that the glorious titled job I had taken wasn’t really what I wanted.. that same feeling I experienced today swept over my body. I could wait it out, stay atleast a year like I had originally planned, deal with the unhappiness I had in my position or I could risk causing my employers some unhappiness and cut myself lose at the three month probation mark.

Don’t get me wrong, I met some awesome people who run the Canada Games Centre in Halifax, I even cried when I waved my superior down and hopped in his car to tell him the feeling I was experiencing. But I did what felt right, I let them know the job wasn’t for me, gave my two weeks, packed my things and headed back in the western direction.

​I made the decision not to endure a year of suffering, being somewhere I didn’t want to be for the sake of pleasing others.

Whenever I come “home” in the summer time I always realize how much I miss the Kawartha’s. I enjoyed myself while home but felt like my time was cut short. I missed home. I really hadn’t lived there since Summer 2013 and I was a total different closed minded, non-adventurous person back then.

As I started driving to Alberta where I had a job and a special person anxiously waiting for my return, the exact same “red flag” feeling started washing over me. By the time I got to Northern Ontario I had made the decision that I had to go back home. Edmonton was not where I wanted to be.

That’s right… while driving across Canada I decided that I was going to get to Edmonton and return by car back to Ontario before winter driving hit. Emotions were strong on this one, I cried, I let everything I was feeling physically express itself. I was able to call family and friends and talk while on my way, but a lot of the drive I was alone in a no service area with only myself and the tears that were falling from my face.

​ How was I going to tell someone I love that I was choosing a path that would only split our paths more and create more distance between us? I knew that wasn’t fair and I felt I had no choice but to end the relationship while I made this selfish choice for myself.

I followed my feeling. I worked for the week I was there out West and by the end of the week, in hopes of speeding up the healing process of wounds I had created, I got back in my car and drove another 3 days back home. I spent my 21st birthday by myself driving through Northern Ontario, stopping only to sleep in my car at a gas station in Marathon. By the time I got back to Ontario in September 2016 I had drove in total, a week straight. Canada is mighty fine in the summer though. 10/10 would recommend doing the entire drive at least once.
​
As crazy as this may all seem, I don’t regret any of these choices. I followed what felt right at the time and oh did I ever learn. Maybe I acted impulsively but through doing so,I have learned better ways to handle situations, to be a better person, to communicate better with the ones in this life that love me most. I hurt some people on the way and I caused some disappointment but at the end of the day I made these “selfish” decisions for me, for my betterment. And yes, there were consequences to this.

The past few months being back in the Kawartha’s, I have lived the consequences of my choices, both positive and negative ones. The great thing about negative consequences however, is that they are like little life lesson bits and just as valuable if not more than positive ones. I have had the opportunity to reflect, repair and proceed forward with integrity and confidence.

Despite all of these choices I’ve made that have spewed all sorts of consequences, the one person who gets me more than anyone else in this world has remained by my side, despite a shattered heart. That is something I am more than grateful for.

I don’t expect other people to understand why I do what I do or how my relationships with others work but I want to point out through all of the chaos that everyone else might see, to me, everything has worked out just as it should of. I don’t write this with intent to justify my life choices but more to share the beauty of being confident in life choices and choosing not to fear consequences because I believe there are no truly negative consequences unless you chose to ignore them as lessons.

I choose to make choices on feelings not thoughts, I make choices in attempt to minimize my suffering even if it means a small amount of discomfort or awkwardness in getting there.

You always have three choices in any situation causing you pain, annoyance or unhappiness. You can either change the situation, leave the situation or you can accept the situation that you are in. So long as you choose one, you can find peace and end the suffering. This ideology is from Eckhart Tolle who wrote the book “The Power of Now”.

In my experiences I just wrote about you can see that I chose to change my situation or leave it when I felt like I was in a place that wasn’t for the best of me. And the acceptance? Well that comes in when I deal with the consequences of my actions. If there is no way to change my circumstances or leave, I have to completely accept that I am where I am and have faith it’s where I am meant to be at that time. If you accept where you are and the circumstance you are in, truly, you stop the act of resistance and let peace flood your being.

When I found this confidence, it was like I took control of my life. No one or thing can keep me somewhere that creates unhappiness in my life. No job, no person, no thing is more important.

No this doesn’t mean you flip the finger to everyone and act with a purpose of hurting others but just simply adapting this mindset is an act of freedom in itself. Freed from the confines of the expectations a lot of us have about how we choose to view everyday life.

Always see the good in your choices, even when they don’t make sense to anyone else or seem backwards. You know you the best and you have the option to end suffering. You have the option to free yourself from any position you find yourself in due to the product of fear or guilt. Always remember your power to change, leave or accept circumstances.

There are consequences to every choice, but every consequence can be put in a positive light if you allow it to be a valuable lesson in getting to where you are today.

Happy thoughts xx.